February, 2007

Silence is Golden

To be a better communicator, first be a good listener.

By Tom Fife

I love to talk about one of Steven Covey’s “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” The habit? Seek first to understand before being understood. That concept is a powerful tool for teaching people to become good listeners.

We spend our day communicating in four basic ways: We read, write, talk, and listen. But when you consider that more than 40% of our time is spent listening, it’s odd that people are seldom taught how to be a good listener.

Listening is one of the primary skills I teach at almost every program I present. It is a key skill of a great communicator, but more importantly, it is a skill that generates all kinds of positive attitudes and interactions that bring about maximum involvement in the work place, as well as respect. Oh, and it will also make your personal life flow more comfortably!

Most people don’t listen to gain new information or understanding. Instead of listening while others talk, most people roll thoughts around in their head as they decide what it is that they want to say. You see folks who look like a bigmouth bass—their mouths wide open, gasping for air, waiting to jump into the conversation.

Formulating your own thoughts while someone else is speaking is the most common listening error. You cannot really listen if you are instead thinking about what it is you are going to say. Really listening to another person takes all of our concentration if done properly. A trick I use to encourage active listening is to silently count to 3 before I join a discussion. Not only does that short pause provide me with the time to formulate an answer, it makes sure that I am not interrupting or cutting short the thought of the speaker.

Too many folks are more interested in being understood than they are in understanding others. Impatient listeners will even lose their emotional control and interrupt the person speaking! If you are a person who interrupts others, STOP—for your own good!

A Duke University study found that people who interrupt others are up to seven times more likely to get heart disease.

People who interrupt are excessively competitive and controlling—two hallmarks of the worst “Type A” personalities. Yet these high-risk people can lower their chances of heart disease without totally changing their personalities and without medications.

All they have to do is practice being a good listener. The suggested cure is easy: While others talk, focus on being silent, and you’ll lower both your blood pressure and your stress hormone levels. The benefit to others and your business is immediate.

In a communication setting, I feel that most people fall into three categories, “toppers,” “joiners,” or “home movie” players. Toppers plan what they will say to top whatever is being shared. With joiners, certain key words catapult them into thinking about other stories or events that match the words they hear. The home movie players review a time in their life that they think will solve your current dilemma. Give me a break!

To encourage better communication, I love to marry the “seek first to understand…” philosophy with the Native American practice of the “talking stick.” When a person had something to say to his or her tribe, they were given the “talking stick,” often a specially adorned staff. While the person had the stick, no one could agree or disagree with their comments. No one could be an advocate or a dissenter. Listeners could ask empathetic questions only to get a better understanding of what was being said. Only after everyone understood the speaker was the talking stick passed. I refer to this as the “listening” stick.

It’s not easy being a good listener, but the benefits to you and the people you

interact with will be undeniably empowering to all.

If I can help, just holler.